Ode to Autos
Notes on the final days of the Age of Cars.
The purpose of The Car has changed drastically over time. It’s gone through dozens of iterations of varying success in order to arrive at the place it is today.
The four-stroke internal combustion engine was technically invented in the late 1800s. Karl Benz (of course, the Germans) invented the first real “car” in 1886, the Benz Patent-Motorwagen. It had a fairly simple four-stroke engine, steering, a chasis, and could propel itself forward without external efforts. Less than 200 years later, the most basic, useless shitbox on the road has power steering, a stereo system and speakers, likely an automatic transmission (a marvel of engineering in itself), and air conditioning. It’s unbelievable how far we’ve come, and how far we still have to go.
We’re still grappling with what a car “is”, in the sense that each of the conglomerations is trying to produce a single “everymanmobile” that solves all problems at once. I bet they’d each only produce one type of vehicle if they could get away with it. Those pesky human tastes and emotions are getting in the way of corporate efficiency *shakes fist*!
Drugs have effected our Western civilization in many ways, good and bad, throughout the 20th and 21st centuries. I tried writing about it, and unfortunately keep getting stuck. It’s simply an enormous topic that deserves more time and energy than I have at the moment. I’ll complete it one day, promise. As a miniature version of the topic, and in relation to automobiles, drugs have had an exceptional impact on design and structure.
From the oversized boats of the 50s (amphetamines post-war), the beautiful, unique oddballs of the 60s (psychedelics, 2nd gen Corvette), the weird, lazy boxes of the 70s (heroin, marijuana, Mach 1 Mustang), the horribly over-designed, inefficient monsters of the 80s (cocaine, Lambo Countach), the pure joy of design in the 90s (MDMA, stronger weed, any JDM masterpiece *chef’s kiss*), the soulless metal husks of the 00s (opioids, painkillers, take your pick), and finally, the insanely efficient, small engine machines of the 10s (go-go drugs like Adderall and Vivance, rise of the 4-turbo). The 20s will be interesting, I’m curious to see how things shake up. It doesn’t yet feel like there’s a defining “theme”, or drug, of the decade. People who participate in that thing are sort of doing… everything…
Cars served many a few purposes throughout the last century, not just transportation. Vehicles have been produced simply for the sake of luxury, or racing, or drifting, or other enjoyment. They are simply a reflection of ourselves in a way.
Occasionally, over the last century, we got beautifully lost in simply creating something that people wanted. Why did they want it? How does one explain love, lust, happiness, or any other emotion? Why do we despise certain car designs, like the PT Cruiser, the Pontiac Aztek, or the Fiat Panda (a nod to the best to ever do it, Mr. Clarkson)? It’s the same, but opposite. It’s like asking someone to explain why they hate the taste of a certain vegetable. You simply don’t like it, and that’s ok!
A problem I’ve seen emerge with the productivity drugs of the last 15 years is that we’ve sacrificed almost every ounce of soul that we had in these things. We prayed at the altars of speed, mileage, and affordability, everything else be damned. Those are all important things, of course, but they aren’t everything. There’s an unexplainable kind of pleasure that comes from a truly “fun” car. Lots of people confuse speed and fun. Speed is fun, but fun is not speed.
Have you ever met someone who owns an old Mazda Miata? I know a few. I never understood the appeal until I met these fellas. Who could possibly love a roadster with less than 200 horsepower?? It has a 6 second 0-60 time, that can’t be fun! Holy shit was I wrong. Some of the most fun, incredible vehicles are slow as dirt compared to the new speedsters. Every time I see a fella enjoying his Miata, or maybe an old BMW Z3, I smile. I know they’re having the time of their life going 65 mph.
I have to credit Elon Musk for ironically bringing soul back to automobiles. He proved, without any doubt, that you can make the fastest cars on the planet, and still not capture the actual essence of driving any better than that 90’s Miata. Teslas are boring, they have zero soul whatsoever. I can’t speak for all enthusiasts, but many I know would take a slow, but interesting and interactive engine over an electric race car any day. After 3 pulls, the novelty wears off. An old manual sports car provides a lifetime of joy (and expenses, sadly).
I don’t have an old manual sports car, but I do have a truck. I love that big silly V8 more than I could put into words. It’s got a bunch of upgrades on it, and I’ve got plans for plenty more. A younger, more ignorant version of myself would’ve never understood. Every single time I hear the grumble that thing makes when it turns on, I get the biggest, dumbest smile on my face. Chevy’s Basic Bitch 5.3L V8 is a tremendous thing. Mass produced, uncomplicated, and still spectacularly enjoyable.
As we move faster towards robo-taxis, FSD (full self-driving), and ever smaller, more efficient little engines, we oughta ask, is the era of The Car over? Was it just a blip in time? Did we simply need something better than horseback to hold us over until postmodern futurism becomes reality? I sure as hell hope not, but it’s very possible.
Our great grandkids may look back and ask what it was like to actually “have to drive everywhere?? Yuck!”
They won’t know the freedom of opening up the throttle on a wide, dry road. They won’t know how nice it feels to turn on your favorite song after a long hard day. They won’t know the joy of upgrading each separate part, and creating a unique, one of a kind vehicle.
Oh well. I look forward to gas being as cheap and easy to find as paper clips, and people giving away their obsolete classics. I’ll be 82, and still dreaming about old manual clunkers.